Dikuku di monate…
On Saturday I witnessed one of those traditional
celebrations that are a marvel to watch, at least for me. Ever since I was a
little girl growing up in that small village of Serake or Driefontein, I have
always looked forward to the day of patlo
or bogadi (lobola negotiations). And
this was not because I was in any way part of those negotiations.
It fascinated me to see that group of women clad in blue sešwešwes or letoisi, white blouses, headscarves and megagolwane (shawls) walking in a straight line towards the house
where they were going to ask for sego sa
metsi (bride). They walked in silence until they reached their destination.
Maybe I should mention that they walked,
regardless of the distance between the bride and the groom’s place, as long as
it was in the same village. It was only after the negotiations were concluded that
you started hearing the ululations which signalled that all went well.
Before returning to give feedback at the groom’s place,
there would be a game played by the women from both the groom and the bride’s
side. They would tease each other, with the groom’s entourage boasting about
how they have earned her and rubbing it in the other group’s noses that she was
now theirs. The bride’s entourage would retaliate claiming she was still
theirs. It was fascinating to see such grown women – sometimes my mother was
one of them – playing such a ‘silly’ game. It seemed silly because at some
point the women from the other group would try to snatch the headscarves from
the other group’s members before running away. At times the bride’s entourage
would produce whips from under their shawls and start chasing the groom’s
entourage. Yes, that was hilarious.
Looking at those women this past Saturday reminded me of the
reality of their mission. They had just negotiated to have some woman committed
to some man, by choice of course. Their mission would not be complete until
both the bride and the groom had been sat down and given some elderly advice on
how to carry themselves in marriage. That is where the woman would be told what
was expected of her as a wife and a daughter-in-law.
I love my culture the same way that I love my language. But
I don’t think oppressing women or using oppressive statements as such is part
of our culture. I believe it is something that was learnt and therefore needs
urgent unlearning. I am in no way against having that group of women and men dishing
out advice to the newly-weds. My gripe is with the kind of advice being given
as I feel it is disempowering for the bride. I know we are told that what goes
on during that session should stay there and we are not to talk about it. And
that secrecy may be the biggest undoing of most marital unions.
‘Monna ke selepe o
lala a adimilwe’- literal translation, ‘a man is an axe that can be
borrowed over night’. ‘Monna ga a bodiwe
gore o tswa kae. Le fa a tla phakela mo tshelele metsi a tlhape. ‘ (You
don’t ask a man where he’s been, even if he didn’t sleep at home, just give him
water to bathe.) O itshoke ngwanaka (Don’t
give up). These are just some of the few pieces of advice that newly-weds get.
And a woman is reminded not to talk to anyone about her private affairs. Maybe
there may be some substance in this, but who do you talk to when things get too
much? Who do you talk to when your axe is borrowed once too many times? Who do
you talk to when you feel you don’t want to share your axe? And if you can’t
ask him where he’s been, who do you talk to about that problem of having a man
who does not share your marital bed? Yes, you don’t want to give up, but who do
you share your pain with?
I don’t want to even talk about the songs we sing at
weddings, including the one used as a title here. We just need to unlearn them.
Unlearn them and replace them with songs of hope, songs that paint marriage as
a beautiful experience that it is supposed to be. Replace them with songs that
do not confine the role of a woman in a marital union, to that of a submissive.
I have a Zimbabwean friend who once told me that at some
point they are taught how to please a man sexually. Interesting and mmm… I
don’t know. Why should a man’s sexual pleasure be my responsibility? What about
my pleasure? I remember during a visit to Zambia some time back, I was offered
some muti which was supposed to make
me hot for my man. Why should it be about my man and not me? Are we not
supposed to both strive to please each other?
I saw some young
women among the group of women clad in those blue sešwešwes and I know it was a source of pride for them to be part
of that entourage. But what is the point if they are still going to give wrong
advice?
In case you are wondering what I’m saying here, it is
simple, very simple. The best advice to give to both the bride and the groom is
that they should each have self-respect and self-love because if you love and
respect yourself you will be able to share the love and respect with others. You
will be able to see when you are not loved or respected. And you will be able
to make appropriate choices and take appropriate action centred on self-love
and self-respect. Or so we hope.
I know some people would say the advice worked for our
parents and their parents and why shouldn’t it work for us. But did it work?
Were they happy with their situations? Someone I know once shared a story of
how her grandmother once refused to give her grandfather soft porridge. The old
man was sick in bed. She was not going
to give that frail man any porridge. She told her granddaughter to give it to
him or else he could starve or he could ask all those girlfriends he used to
have to give him the soft porridge. She laughed at the thought saying her
grandmother was just being silly. But was she silly or was the anger and hurt
she had bottled up all those years just surfacing at an inopportune moment?
How many times have we heard of women who killed their
husbands? Yes some of them may be motivated by greed but how many of them did
that because they could no longer take having their axes borrowed or not asking
their husbands where they spent the night? How many did that because they could
not stand the hurt and the humiliation of being married to a man who did not
respect them? How many of them did that because they were told to soldier on
and not to talk to anyone about their marital problems?
I do not have answers. Maybe you could help me here.
